I married my love on January 7, 2012 in a wedding that most would call nontraditional to say the least. However, I would 't have changed a single thing about it because it involved our closest friends and family members. We married in at West Point bar. Yep, a bar. Not any bar though. West Point is a place where I was able to let go and have fun with friends during the hardest months of my life. It was for me, and me only and I didn't bring anyone in to it until I met Rick. Rick was accepted by all of my WP family like he had been there the entire time. They embraced him with no prejudice or judgement, even when some felt over protective and concerned for me and my emotional well being. Our friend Mark Kirby married us and this meant so much to us because he knew Rick before we were together and knew the mistakes Rick had made and now to see Rick come full circle and change his life in to that of true love and a much more honorable way of living. This day was the day that I was able to truly believe my loss of Mark was finally put to rest. Through a variety of ways I was shown that Mark was giving me to Rick and accepted Rick joining our family. I have no more dreams of Mark, thoughts of missing Mark, or belief that if he were still alive I would be with him. I can't imagine my life without Rick now. Before I always believed that if Mark was still alive I wouldn't have been with Troy, but this time is very different. I believe for years Mark has given me signs and dreams to show me that he was still present in my heart. At one point I asked him, no I begged him, to let me go because I was overwhelmed with dreams of loosing him, loving him, and missing him. I truly believe that I have found who I am suppose to e with, no matter what the challenges, we are meant to be together and Mark has finally let me go. Does this mean that he's passed on fully now to the other side? I don't know, but I do hope so because I want him to have the same peace that I now have.
However, with this marriage has come challenges. The kids are still struggling to accept him and almost even more now that we are married. Now that he is slowing embracing his step parent role the kids are embracing their limit testing roles. With these conflicts have come challenges for us as a couple. It is so new to me to have someone be fully involved in all aspects of my children. How do I find the middle ground and work to accept his parenting techniques and help him accept mine? I guess time, patience, and communication are key to it all.
My life continues to change. Everyday poses new challenges and new experiences. Struggles will rise but it is up to me to make it through them with my children and husband in tact.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Life's update
Over the past three weeks I have expereinced a lot of different emotions and feelings including love, happiness, frustration, and a sense of peace. Since Rick and I got married I have expereinced being a "newlywed" in a different way than ever before. My desire to make him happy and to feel his love, his touch, and see his smile motivates me everyday. In a way I feel almost sad when we are apart. I find this to likely not be very healthy since he has to work so I have to laugh at myself when I feel this way and move on in my days. I have been working to understand why I am feeling this love so differently than before and I believe that the answer is not within Rick but within me myself, and who I am now, who I have become, the changes that I have made within myself, and the removal of the walls around my heart. I have let love in to places that it has never gotten before. Well, that may not be true. I guess I believe it was there once but I was to young and immature to understand what it was, how to use it, and what to think of it. Getting married at 18 was likely not my wisest decision in life, yet I know that I have my darling Samantha from that marriage and one of my many life leasons. So I guess I can say that love was there once, when my heart was young and immature and not ready to accept and understand it. Since then it had been closed to it. Now that I have opened and love is in that special place in my heart again I feel overwhelmed by it, in a positive way. The thought that I would ever allow myself to heal, find peace with my past, and feel such love for another man again would have made me laugh, even a few months ago. Now I can't imagine my life without it.
With this new found feeling has come some frustration. Frustration that now I am in this amazing and special place in my heart and my life, and my children can't share in it with me. They have been through so much due to choices by others and myself that they are not willing or even able to enjoy and share this amazing place with me and feel it themselves. Their desire to be loved fully by their father has over powered their willingness to let Rick in and to accept how much he loves us. Some of the kids are much more accepting than others, however their desire for Troy to love them and be a positive part of their lives over powers the occassional glimmer of hope that I see of acceptance and happiness. I fear so much that they have "walled" themselves up due to the hurt that others, including myself, have caused them in their lives. We talk about this and the changes in me as a person, and they express their pleasure that I am at a healthier place to be a better, stronger, and happier person and parent. Yet when they desire their father's time or help and get minimal to no response, so then any progress I make seems to wither away. Rick desires to support them through positive and negatives of their lives. He requires respect and effort from them that Troy has never required of them before and so they are resistent to this. The only thing Troy ever required from them was for them to fear him. I do believe that time will heal and our continued effort to share our healthy relationship and way of life with them will begin to seep in through the sadness and anger about life events. I hope that they can continue to heal and find peace with the behaviors of others that are out of their control and that they take control of their own behaviors and lives and demand respect and love for themselves and of themselves.
It amazes me the power of hurt and pain. Each have so much control over someones life, even when that person believes that they don't. I know many that say "I won't let my anger control me and my choices." Yet, it will, in some way. It will for everyone in some way, it's just up to us to get the help that we need, in whatever form it comes in, to ensure that it doesn't take full control of our lives. We can allow anger and pain to be these little monsters within us that come out towards others even if they are not the ones that make us mad or hurt us, or we can take control of those monsters and in a odd way utilize them when we may need them yet maintain full control of them. Whichever, they exist and I have chosen to stop fighting with them and I hope to help my children make the same choice.
Love is a much stronger and powerful entity within us. Love is what our lives should be filled with and it should be fully embraced and accepted. And if someone chooses not to love us the way that we deserve to be loved then we must move on. If that someone is a person that is a perminant part of our life, such as a parent or sibling, then we must empathize with them for their loss in experiencing the great feelings and emotions that come with love, not hate them for not loving us how we believe that they should. Once you find peace with that you will find peace within yourself. With peace comes happiness like you have never experienced before.
Allison
With this new found feeling has come some frustration. Frustration that now I am in this amazing and special place in my heart and my life, and my children can't share in it with me. They have been through so much due to choices by others and myself that they are not willing or even able to enjoy and share this amazing place with me and feel it themselves. Their desire to be loved fully by their father has over powered their willingness to let Rick in and to accept how much he loves us. Some of the kids are much more accepting than others, however their desire for Troy to love them and be a positive part of their lives over powers the occassional glimmer of hope that I see of acceptance and happiness. I fear so much that they have "walled" themselves up due to the hurt that others, including myself, have caused them in their lives. We talk about this and the changes in me as a person, and they express their pleasure that I am at a healthier place to be a better, stronger, and happier person and parent. Yet when they desire their father's time or help and get minimal to no response, so then any progress I make seems to wither away. Rick desires to support them through positive and negatives of their lives. He requires respect and effort from them that Troy has never required of them before and so they are resistent to this. The only thing Troy ever required from them was for them to fear him. I do believe that time will heal and our continued effort to share our healthy relationship and way of life with them will begin to seep in through the sadness and anger about life events. I hope that they can continue to heal and find peace with the behaviors of others that are out of their control and that they take control of their own behaviors and lives and demand respect and love for themselves and of themselves.
It amazes me the power of hurt and pain. Each have so much control over someones life, even when that person believes that they don't. I know many that say "I won't let my anger control me and my choices." Yet, it will, in some way. It will for everyone in some way, it's just up to us to get the help that we need, in whatever form it comes in, to ensure that it doesn't take full control of our lives. We can allow anger and pain to be these little monsters within us that come out towards others even if they are not the ones that make us mad or hurt us, or we can take control of those monsters and in a odd way utilize them when we may need them yet maintain full control of them. Whichever, they exist and I have chosen to stop fighting with them and I hope to help my children make the same choice.
Love is a much stronger and powerful entity within us. Love is what our lives should be filled with and it should be fully embraced and accepted. And if someone chooses not to love us the way that we deserve to be loved then we must move on. If that someone is a person that is a perminant part of our life, such as a parent or sibling, then we must empathize with them for their loss in experiencing the great feelings and emotions that come with love, not hate them for not loving us how we believe that they should. Once you find peace with that you will find peace within yourself. With peace comes happiness like you have never experienced before.
Allison
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Finding Peace
Over this past weekend I married my love Rick. As I have been working to find peace within myself and my past I was also able to bring down walls around myself and my heart which Rick has patiently and consistently been willing to work through and overcome. Finding peace within myself and my relationships, both romantic and personal, has been a long process for me that I only recently have made progress in.
One of my biggest holes within myself and my heart was from the loss of my first husband Mark Meilner, who is also Samantha's dad. I have had so many emotions through the years from loosing him including sadness, anger, and a sense of emptiness. I always believed that if he were still here that I would still be with him. Even through my marriage with Troy or any other relationships I held, this was my belief. Through the years I felt that Mark was still making his own mark on my emotions, my heart, and in my life through signs or odd things that would happen to me or Sam, through dreams I would have about him, or through people that would spontaniously come back in to my life that were connected to him. However, as my relationship with Rick has grown I have not found those "signs" or dreams occuring and have not had those thoughts of "what if" regarding if Mark was still with us.
The night that Rick and I married someone special to me asked about how I was feeling about if Mark was still here and the impact of the loss of him on my relationships, and I didn't even realize at first who she was talking about. It was like a light went off in my head said HELLO, and I realized I had not even thought about him, his approval, or his absence. After that conversation it was time to marry my love!! During the ceremony it was as if Rick and I disappeared within each other. As we spoke our own vows to one another it was like no one else was in the room with us for a few minutes. The emotion that Rick showed as he said his vows took me to a new level of love for him I have never experienced in my life. I was overwhelmed with happiness and love and smiling from ear to ear.
After our ceremony a young man sang a song for us to have our first dance too. We had no idea he was going to do this and he doesn't know either of us very well. This kindness caught our attention and we were very excited to hear what he was going to sing for us. What this young man didn't know was that the song he chose for us would help complete the final circle of our unity to one another. This song was "I Cross My Heart" by George Straight. This impacting realavence of this song is that it was the same song that was my wedding song the day I married Mark. At first I was a little weirded out, but then I felt a sense of calm come over me. I told Rick about this song after our dance, what it was, and the connection to Mark. This amazing man looks at me and says that maybe this is Marks way of showing us that we have his blessing and that he is finally at peace for me. WOW!!! We both were overwhelmed with emotions of happiness, peace, and excitement. Is there any way a more amazing man can exist? Seriously......the level of kindness, understanding, and honor that Rick has is something that I have never had the experience of sharing my life with and I truly believe that I am one of the luckiest girls ever.
So am I finding peace? Yes and it is finding me through those that love me the most. And that hole in my heart is no longer there. It is filled with a pure and sincere love that I have never felt until now. Those walls around my heart are down and now my heart is surrounded by the pure love that he gives me everyday. I believe above all that no matter what challenge I will have to face that I will not face it alone and that WE will be that forever that I have always dreamed about. To know that I am loved for being me, as I am, flaws and all........is the most peaceful and glorious feeling I have ever felt and that I have ever truly believed in.........and for that Rick Muston I thank you!!!
One of my biggest holes within myself and my heart was from the loss of my first husband Mark Meilner, who is also Samantha's dad. I have had so many emotions through the years from loosing him including sadness, anger, and a sense of emptiness. I always believed that if he were still here that I would still be with him. Even through my marriage with Troy or any other relationships I held, this was my belief. Through the years I felt that Mark was still making his own mark on my emotions, my heart, and in my life through signs or odd things that would happen to me or Sam, through dreams I would have about him, or through people that would spontaniously come back in to my life that were connected to him. However, as my relationship with Rick has grown I have not found those "signs" or dreams occuring and have not had those thoughts of "what if" regarding if Mark was still with us.
The night that Rick and I married someone special to me asked about how I was feeling about if Mark was still here and the impact of the loss of him on my relationships, and I didn't even realize at first who she was talking about. It was like a light went off in my head said HELLO, and I realized I had not even thought about him, his approval, or his absence. After that conversation it was time to marry my love!! During the ceremony it was as if Rick and I disappeared within each other. As we spoke our own vows to one another it was like no one else was in the room with us for a few minutes. The emotion that Rick showed as he said his vows took me to a new level of love for him I have never experienced in my life. I was overwhelmed with happiness and love and smiling from ear to ear.
After our ceremony a young man sang a song for us to have our first dance too. We had no idea he was going to do this and he doesn't know either of us very well. This kindness caught our attention and we were very excited to hear what he was going to sing for us. What this young man didn't know was that the song he chose for us would help complete the final circle of our unity to one another. This song was "I Cross My Heart" by George Straight. This impacting realavence of this song is that it was the same song that was my wedding song the day I married Mark. At first I was a little weirded out, but then I felt a sense of calm come over me. I told Rick about this song after our dance, what it was, and the connection to Mark. This amazing man looks at me and says that maybe this is Marks way of showing us that we have his blessing and that he is finally at peace for me. WOW!!! We both were overwhelmed with emotions of happiness, peace, and excitement. Is there any way a more amazing man can exist? Seriously......the level of kindness, understanding, and honor that Rick has is something that I have never had the experience of sharing my life with and I truly believe that I am one of the luckiest girls ever.
So am I finding peace? Yes and it is finding me through those that love me the most. And that hole in my heart is no longer there. It is filled with a pure and sincere love that I have never felt until now. Those walls around my heart are down and now my heart is surrounded by the pure love that he gives me everyday. I believe above all that no matter what challenge I will have to face that I will not face it alone and that WE will be that forever that I have always dreamed about. To know that I am loved for being me, as I am, flaws and all........is the most peaceful and glorious feeling I have ever felt and that I have ever truly believed in.........and for that Rick Muston I thank you!!!
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Just living....
So it's been a while since I have written. I have experienced so many things over the past couple of weeks.
When someone finds out that they may have a serious illness, it tends to put things into a new light. The recent scare of having cervical or ovarian cancer has changed me in so many ways including breaking down walls I have accomplished to surround myself with to ensure that others do not get to close and dealing with the world of "what if". What if I die? What if I'm sick? Where will my kids go, who will take care of my animals, who will take care of everything Zach needs, what will happen to Rick, what what what.....and some why questions in there as well. Why is this happening, why do bad things keep happening to us, why now, why am I so closed off about this to those that love me, why won't I give myself fully to Rick and others that love me, why don't I stand up more to my children and why do I fear that they will stop loving me if I do stand up to them?
I have had to tell the people closest to me in my life hard things like I'm getting a divorce, I'm moving out of town, I thought I was going to kill myself, but never I may have cancer. It also opened my eyes to those that have to say "I KNOW I have cancer" and "I am going to die".....and now I have asked myself what the hell am I whining about???? I am lucky....I am lucky that it in fact does not look to be cancer, even if they don't know exactly what is going on at least it doesn't appear to be cancerous.
Even though cancer has for the most part been ruled out, I am still dealing with these health challenges that are effecting my life, my ability to do certain things, and my overall activity level. However I quickly found it was also beginning to being a crutch for me. I hit the STOP button and have began refocusing on the fact that I am likely going to be fine, and even if I'm not, I will not let any of this control me or let me loose control of how I live my life.
I have also made the decision to stop being the most walled up person that I personally know. I am breaking walls down and letting others in and standing up for myself and what is right, whether others don't agree with it or not. I will not be anyone's, including my children's doormat any longer. I will work to earn others respect yet at the same time demand it and show others the equal respect that they show me. I will take getting my Masters Degree by the horns and get it done instead of living in the "can I do it" world that I've been in. I will live my life to the fullest, loving those I love, smiling even when others aren't, hugging those that need hugged, and saying thank you.
This new sort of second chance has also helped me re-focus my idea of God, his existance, and his role in my life. Do I find myself still feeling ambivalent about him, absolutely!! However, I also find myself opening back up to the idea of him, his power, and my own beliefs of him and his back seat driving of my life. Blaming him for the negatives in my life and closing the door on his existence hasn't seem to be working for me thus far so maybe I should try to find another route? I am working on that and want to encourage my family to work on it with me. Baby steps I say, baby steps!
So "living", what does it mean to me? Now it means something very different. I am well aware that life is going to continue to throw me some significant curve balls. The difference is, now I just have a bigger and stronger bat to take care of them with.
When someone finds out that they may have a serious illness, it tends to put things into a new light. The recent scare of having cervical or ovarian cancer has changed me in so many ways including breaking down walls I have accomplished to surround myself with to ensure that others do not get to close and dealing with the world of "what if". What if I die? What if I'm sick? Where will my kids go, who will take care of my animals, who will take care of everything Zach needs, what will happen to Rick, what what what.....and some why questions in there as well. Why is this happening, why do bad things keep happening to us, why now, why am I so closed off about this to those that love me, why won't I give myself fully to Rick and others that love me, why don't I stand up more to my children and why do I fear that they will stop loving me if I do stand up to them?
I have had to tell the people closest to me in my life hard things like I'm getting a divorce, I'm moving out of town, I thought I was going to kill myself, but never I may have cancer. It also opened my eyes to those that have to say "I KNOW I have cancer" and "I am going to die".....and now I have asked myself what the hell am I whining about???? I am lucky....I am lucky that it in fact does not look to be cancer, even if they don't know exactly what is going on at least it doesn't appear to be cancerous.
Even though cancer has for the most part been ruled out, I am still dealing with these health challenges that are effecting my life, my ability to do certain things, and my overall activity level. However I quickly found it was also beginning to being a crutch for me. I hit the STOP button and have began refocusing on the fact that I am likely going to be fine, and even if I'm not, I will not let any of this control me or let me loose control of how I live my life.
I have also made the decision to stop being the most walled up person that I personally know. I am breaking walls down and letting others in and standing up for myself and what is right, whether others don't agree with it or not. I will not be anyone's, including my children's doormat any longer. I will work to earn others respect yet at the same time demand it and show others the equal respect that they show me. I will take getting my Masters Degree by the horns and get it done instead of living in the "can I do it" world that I've been in. I will live my life to the fullest, loving those I love, smiling even when others aren't, hugging those that need hugged, and saying thank you.
This new sort of second chance has also helped me re-focus my idea of God, his existance, and his role in my life. Do I find myself still feeling ambivalent about him, absolutely!! However, I also find myself opening back up to the idea of him, his power, and my own beliefs of him and his back seat driving of my life. Blaming him for the negatives in my life and closing the door on his existence hasn't seem to be working for me thus far so maybe I should try to find another route? I am working on that and want to encourage my family to work on it with me. Baby steps I say, baby steps!
So "living", what does it mean to me? Now it means something very different. I am well aware that life is going to continue to throw me some significant curve balls. The difference is, now I just have a bigger and stronger bat to take care of them with.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
My Ahhh-ha Moment
After my last blog I believe that I learned allot about myself through my own words. It's amazing how much you can realize about how you treat yourself and others after verbalizing it aloud or writing about yourself. I have spent more time keeping these walls around myself to try and block others from getting in that I wasn't able to make that connection about myself until now. Talk about a wow moment.
I have believed before that I was in love. I believed that if someone loved me that he would change to be with me. Yet I would somehow find it so unbelievably surprising when they let me down in some way. I always seem so surprised when someone doesn't live up to the standards that I in fact have place on them, not those that they have placed on themselves. I believe it is human nature to place goals for ourselves, so in turn we will work to achieve those goals. However, when I place a expectation or goal for someone else and assume that they will honor it if they want to be with me I must have been delirious to believe that I'd get the same result. What, you mean throwing ultimatums out at someone is not the way to true love and happiness in any relationship???? And there you have my ahhh-ha moment!!! I realize that I have been so busy working on everyone else to mold them I wish that they would be that I wasn't working on myself. I was more neglecting myself and in fact altering myself to mold the other people as best as I could. I wouldn't "allow" drug use, I wouldn't "allow" illegal behavior, yet I'd "allow" myself to be mistreated and compromise my own well being because in my skewed view he had "changed" so much already for me.
I have a man that loves me and tries to show me everyday his devotion and love for me. I close emotional doors in his face whenever he tries to love me more. He accepts me as I am and my children as they are. He has chosen to change certain aspects in his life because he knows how I feel about them. I played the "if you want to be with me" card initially. Yet he's the only man that challenged me with expressing his desire to be with me but challenging me to be accepting of some things about him as he is accepting of some things about me. WOW!! I showed minimal flexibility, minimal willingness to listen and accept, yet he showed stubbornness and no desire to give up. Looking deep into myself and my own flaws and voids within me and my own life, allowed me to see that I was pushing away, walling up, and risking loosing someone that has chosen to love me in a way that I have never experienced. Maybe this is also why it is so scary for me. This unknown, unconditional acceptance, genuine calmness and gratitude for me as I am, flaws and all. I realized I must stop working so hard to replace what is missing, but instead fill it with new memories, new kinds of experiences, and new loves.
Today is the day that I say to him, welcome. Welcome in to my heart, mind, and soul. Buckle up and hold on my love!!!
I have believed before that I was in love. I believed that if someone loved me that he would change to be with me. Yet I would somehow find it so unbelievably surprising when they let me down in some way. I always seem so surprised when someone doesn't live up to the standards that I in fact have place on them, not those that they have placed on themselves. I believe it is human nature to place goals for ourselves, so in turn we will work to achieve those goals. However, when I place a expectation or goal for someone else and assume that they will honor it if they want to be with me I must have been delirious to believe that I'd get the same result. What, you mean throwing ultimatums out at someone is not the way to true love and happiness in any relationship???? And there you have my ahhh-ha moment!!! I realize that I have been so busy working on everyone else to mold them I wish that they would be that I wasn't working on myself. I was more neglecting myself and in fact altering myself to mold the other people as best as I could. I wouldn't "allow" drug use, I wouldn't "allow" illegal behavior, yet I'd "allow" myself to be mistreated and compromise my own well being because in my skewed view he had "changed" so much already for me.
I have a man that loves me and tries to show me everyday his devotion and love for me. I close emotional doors in his face whenever he tries to love me more. He accepts me as I am and my children as they are. He has chosen to change certain aspects in his life because he knows how I feel about them. I played the "if you want to be with me" card initially. Yet he's the only man that challenged me with expressing his desire to be with me but challenging me to be accepting of some things about him as he is accepting of some things about me. WOW!! I showed minimal flexibility, minimal willingness to listen and accept, yet he showed stubbornness and no desire to give up. Looking deep into myself and my own flaws and voids within me and my own life, allowed me to see that I was pushing away, walling up, and risking loosing someone that has chosen to love me in a way that I have never experienced. Maybe this is also why it is so scary for me. This unknown, unconditional acceptance, genuine calmness and gratitude for me as I am, flaws and all. I realized I must stop working so hard to replace what is missing, but instead fill it with new memories, new kinds of experiences, and new loves.
Today is the day that I say to him, welcome. Welcome in to my heart, mind, and soul. Buckle up and hold on my love!!!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Past vs. Present
I wonder all of the time how the events of my past have effected my present. I wonder the impact on my decisions, relationships, parenting skills, and overall well being. My life changed dramatically when my dad died 8 days before my 15th birthday. Since then I feel like my life has been spinning out of control. I now realize that I continue to try to fill the voids in my life with allot of things and people, whether they are good for me or not. Then I question, what are these "voids" I talk about in my life. The void of unconditional love? The void of security and safety? The void of success and happiness? What is it? I try to soul search and look deep inside as far back as I can go but I mostly see darkness with little memories of childhood. A therapist once told me that I can't remember these things because I blocked them after my dad died. The theory was that if I don't remember things with him in it then it will make it more like he didn't exist, then it will hurt less.....Poor decision on my part, now I can't remember and it still hurts the same. The love between a parent and child should be filled with compassion, empathy, kindness, as well as frustrations and anger at times. However that anger should never overpower the love. That's how it was for me and my dad. Even when he was mad at me or I at him I knew he would never stop loving me. I knew I could go to him for any reason and at the end he wouldn't let me fall on my face (or at least he'd pick me up after I fell). In his mind falling was sometimes a lesson of life in itself. The day that my anger got the best of me was the day that I lost myself and my father. You don't realize how powerful the words you say to others are until they aren't there for you to say I'm sorry. Is this the "void" that I am missing? That unconditional type of love and support from a parent that I missed after his death? The need to be accepted by my parents even when I fall on my face? Who am I missing this from, my dad, my mom? Yes my mom is still here, yet I'm still missing this in my life......that may be enough said there.
I tell my children everyday that I love them. Even if they push me over the edge I find myself empathizing for them and how they are feeling or what they are going through. This allows for forgiveness and allows us to move on. I try remember my dad telling me that he loved me and that's about all I can try to remember, as he was the only one that ever told me. Is this another void for me? The desire to love others as I wished that I was at one time loved or as I wished another might have loved me as he did? Is this the drive for many of the decisions that I've made about others that I have allowed in to my life? Accepting others flaws and thinking if I love them enough that they will want to change. Boy was I misdirected in that belief.
My past is full of loss, heartache, anger, remorse, pain, hurt, some happiness, and some sadness. However the negatives listed overpower the positives significantly. The lost of my father and my first husband put the dent in my heart, soul, and mind about love, men, and loss. The continued abuse by men in my life as a teenager and as an adult has continued to evolve into a fire that has gotten out of control. Settling and believing that I can't do any better, or believing that it wouldn't happen again or he didn't mean it. I took the passion that I wished I was strong enough to make changes in my life and made it into a passion to help others and educate woman about how to find healthy love and relationships. Could I be anymore of a hypocrite? Educating people how to work with challenging situations in their lives or how to parent to the best of their ability....again what a hypocrite. When my life got the most difficult and dangerous I hid behind my work instead of facing it head on. What made me see all of this? Not counseling that's for sure. Time? Hitting rock bottom? Loosing my livelihood again? I would say all of the above. Trying to replace my father and first true love and husband for years in unhealthy and abusive relationships. Allowing myself to be abused physically, emotionally, and , mentally for years. Hiding behind my work and loosing the strong relationship that I held so dearly with my children. These are the things that I allowed my past to haunt and impact my present. These are the things I have grabbed a hold of and am working so hard to take control. My first priority of course is rebuilding my relationship with my children. I also believe this to be my biggest challenge. Yet I also know that if I don't change myself inside that my relationship with my children won't be as strong as it could be.
I also know that my past made me strong in other ways. It gave me the ability to help others through my own life experiences. Through the traumas in my life I was able to empower others to find their way out of their unsafe or unhealthy lives. saddness. Take my life from here on out one day at a time and focus on the overall goal, which is peace within myself and within my life that I hope to live for a very long time. Pain, heartache, anger, and death are no longer an option.
I tell my children everyday that I love them. Even if they push me over the edge I find myself empathizing for them and how they are feeling or what they are going through. This allows for forgiveness and allows us to move on. I try remember my dad telling me that he loved me and that's about all I can try to remember, as he was the only one that ever told me. Is this another void for me? The desire to love others as I wished that I was at one time loved or as I wished another might have loved me as he did? Is this the drive for many of the decisions that I've made about others that I have allowed in to my life? Accepting others flaws and thinking if I love them enough that they will want to change. Boy was I misdirected in that belief.
My past is full of loss, heartache, anger, remorse, pain, hurt, some happiness, and some sadness. However the negatives listed overpower the positives significantly. The lost of my father and my first husband put the dent in my heart, soul, and mind about love, men, and loss. The continued abuse by men in my life as a teenager and as an adult has continued to evolve into a fire that has gotten out of control. Settling and believing that I can't do any better, or believing that it wouldn't happen again or he didn't mean it. I took the passion that I wished I was strong enough to make changes in my life and made it into a passion to help others and educate woman about how to find healthy love and relationships. Could I be anymore of a hypocrite? Educating people how to work with challenging situations in their lives or how to parent to the best of their ability....again what a hypocrite. When my life got the most difficult and dangerous I hid behind my work instead of facing it head on. What made me see all of this? Not counseling that's for sure. Time? Hitting rock bottom? Loosing my livelihood again? I would say all of the above. Trying to replace my father and first true love and husband for years in unhealthy and abusive relationships. Allowing myself to be abused physically, emotionally, and , mentally for years. Hiding behind my work and loosing the strong relationship that I held so dearly with my children. These are the things that I allowed my past to haunt and impact my present. These are the things I have grabbed a hold of and am working so hard to take control. My first priority of course is rebuilding my relationship with my children. I also believe this to be my biggest challenge. Yet I also know that if I don't change myself inside that my relationship with my children won't be as strong as it could be.
I also know that my past made me strong in other ways. It gave me the ability to help others through my own life experiences. Through the traumas in my life I was able to empower others to find their way out of their unsafe or unhealthy lives. saddness. Take my life from here on out one day at a time and focus on the overall goal, which is peace within myself and within my life that I hope to live for a very long time. Pain, heartache, anger, and death are no longer an option.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Today (12/5/11)
Today has been a decent day. It's a day that I would be ok with repeating more than once. Some days are not even worth finishing so it is nice having a uneventful day. Today I took Zach and Izaiah to the dentist. However, upon Izaiah's arrival home from school his upper lip was the size of his nose (and no I am not exaggerating.) Poor kid...I guess he's had some sort of reaction to the numbing medicine that they gave him. My poor Izaiah still has more to be done. See there's a story behind Izaiah's dental work. Izaiah is adopted. His biological mother did a variety of drugs during and after her pregnancy. Izaiah was born addicted to these drugs and went through withdraw for months. She didn't loose Izaiah to CPS until he was about a week old. She was actually breast feeding him while continuing to use drugs........nothing like some cocaine breast milk to start your day with. Ridiculous!!! I still get fired up about it all. Due to the drug use during the entire pregnancy Izaiah's teeth and gums during development were compromised and were not able to build the calcium and other stuff that make them form and make them strong. His teeth are weak, smaller than usual, and very at risk for dental problems. How frustrated he will be when he gets older to know that his continued battle with his teeth is because his biological mother wasn't willing to put his health in front of her drug use. Anyways, he is a trooper about it all and continues to do very well at the dentist.
Zacharia did great!! He usually struggles and has serious sensory overload at the dentist but he did a great job and got everything done without a fight. I'm so proud of them both.
Rick got off work early today due to the weather. He came home as a walking mud man. We were able to spend some time together getting groceries and Christmas lights. It's not often that we are able to have some time alone with each other anymore. It was nice to just relax and work together to get the items we needed with an occasional acting like a teenager in the store to see who could embarrass the other one more. It's funny how frugal we both are becoming, including making a grocery list :-). He is pretty impressed with the "house wife" role I have taken on. However, I am not. I have worked since I was 15 years old, so to not work is a different way of life for me.
Today I pondered about................
I thought allot today about my life, where it is, and where I want it to be. I'm getting frustrated about not working and not having any job leads that pay enought. I am pending financial aide to start my Masters program and have confirmed my acceptance in to ISU, even though the thought of going back to school sends a chill down my spine. Right now I feel like I'm sitting around gaining weight and being lonely while everyone is at work and school. But, I'm working on coming up with a plan to address both issues. I wonder everyday if I made the right decision to move here. We have been able to make a place for us here and it is starting to feel like home to us. Just a few days ago Izaiah was eating his breakfast and turned around and said "I like it here but I'm still not sure about the school." I find that to be a small success!! He's slowly making friends and enjoying being at home. Zach's school transition is taken a day at a time. Some days are good, some days are not so good, some days are like he needs an exorcism. He tends to validate his anger towards his new peers as "well he's annoying." Zach isn't use to being in a classroom with so many verbal kids....he's use to being the most verbal and capable in his classroom, so to have competition in these areas is a bit of a challenge for him. He misses his old teacher Ms. Julie. One day when I had to pick him up early he said that he hoped if he was bad enough that he would be able to go back to Ms. Julie's room. That was a day that we cried together and agreed that he's come to terms with accepting the move and new school and I would come to terms and accept my current role at home. He looked up at me and told me I should be happy because I'm really good at it. Yep, the crying continued.
So the things I pondered today are about whether or not I've made the right decision starting fresh here at a new place and new town, what am I going to do to keep myself busy until I find out about school, coming up with an exercise plan of some sort to loose the extra weight I've gained being a flippin "house wife", and what should I make for dinner :-) These are my thoughts for today.
Zacharia did great!! He usually struggles and has serious sensory overload at the dentist but he did a great job and got everything done without a fight. I'm so proud of them both.
Rick got off work early today due to the weather. He came home as a walking mud man. We were able to spend some time together getting groceries and Christmas lights. It's not often that we are able to have some time alone with each other anymore. It was nice to just relax and work together to get the items we needed with an occasional acting like a teenager in the store to see who could embarrass the other one more. It's funny how frugal we both are becoming, including making a grocery list :-). He is pretty impressed with the "house wife" role I have taken on. However, I am not. I have worked since I was 15 years old, so to not work is a different way of life for me.
Today I pondered about................
I thought allot today about my life, where it is, and where I want it to be. I'm getting frustrated about not working and not having any job leads that pay enought. I am pending financial aide to start my Masters program and have confirmed my acceptance in to ISU, even though the thought of going back to school sends a chill down my spine. Right now I feel like I'm sitting around gaining weight and being lonely while everyone is at work and school. But, I'm working on coming up with a plan to address both issues. I wonder everyday if I made the right decision to move here. We have been able to make a place for us here and it is starting to feel like home to us. Just a few days ago Izaiah was eating his breakfast and turned around and said "I like it here but I'm still not sure about the school." I find that to be a small success!! He's slowly making friends and enjoying being at home. Zach's school transition is taken a day at a time. Some days are good, some days are not so good, some days are like he needs an exorcism. He tends to validate his anger towards his new peers as "well he's annoying." Zach isn't use to being in a classroom with so many verbal kids....he's use to being the most verbal and capable in his classroom, so to have competition in these areas is a bit of a challenge for him. He misses his old teacher Ms. Julie. One day when I had to pick him up early he said that he hoped if he was bad enough that he would be able to go back to Ms. Julie's room. That was a day that we cried together and agreed that he's come to terms with accepting the move and new school and I would come to terms and accept my current role at home. He looked up at me and told me I should be happy because I'm really good at it. Yep, the crying continued.
So the things I pondered today are about whether or not I've made the right decision starting fresh here at a new place and new town, what am I going to do to keep myself busy until I find out about school, coming up with an exercise plan of some sort to loose the extra weight I've gained being a flippin "house wife", and what should I make for dinner :-) These are my thoughts for today.
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