Finding Peace

Over this past weekend I married my love Rick.  As I have been working to find peace within myself and my past I was also able to bring down walls around myself and my heart which Rick has patiently and consistently been willing to work through and overcome.  Finding peace within myself and my relationships, both romantic and personal, has been a long process for me that I only recently have made progress in. 

One of my biggest holes within myself and my heart was from the loss of my first husband Mark Meilner, who is also Samantha's dad.  I have had so many emotions through the years from loosing him including sadness, anger, and a sense of emptiness.  I always believed that if he were still here that I would still be with him.  Even through my marriage with Troy or any other relationships I held, this was my belief.  Through the years I felt that Mark was still making his own mark on my emotions, my heart, and in my life through signs or odd things that would happen to me or Sam, through dreams I would have about him, or through people that would spontaniously come back in to my life that were connected to him.  However, as my relationship with Rick has grown I have not found those "signs" or dreams occuring and have not had those thoughts of "what if" regarding if Mark was still with us. 
The night that Rick and I married someone special to me asked about how I was feeling about if Mark was still here and the impact of the loss of him on my relationships, and I didn't even realize at first who she was talking about.  It was like a light went off in my head said HELLO, and I realized I had not even thought about him, his approval, or his absence.  After that conversation it was time to marry my love!!  During the ceremony it was as if Rick and I disappeared within each other.  As we spoke our own vows to one another it was like no one else was in the room with us for a few minutes.  The emotion that Rick showed as he said his vows took me to a new level of love for him I have never experienced in my life.  I was overwhelmed with happiness and love and smiling from ear to ear. 
After our ceremony a young man sang a song for us to have our first dance too.  We had no idea he was going to do this and he doesn't know either of us very well. This kindness caught our attention and we were very excited to hear what he was going to sing for us.  What this young man didn't know was that the song he chose for us would help complete the final circle of our unity to one another.  This song was "I Cross My Heart" by George Straight.  This impacting realavence of this song is that it was the same song that was my wedding song the day I married Mark.  At first I was a little weirded out, but then I felt a sense of calm come over me.  I told Rick about this song after our dance, what it was, and the connection to Mark.  This amazing man looks at me and says that maybe this is Marks way of showing us that we have his blessing and that he is finally at peace for me.  WOW!!!  We both were overwhelmed with emotions of happiness, peace, and excitement.  Is there any way a more amazing man can exist?  Seriously......the level of kindness, understanding, and honor that Rick has is something that I have never had the experience of sharing my life with and I truly believe that I am one of the luckiest girls ever. 

So am I finding peace?  Yes and it is finding me through those that love me the most.  And that hole in my heart is no longer there.  It is filled with a pure and sincere love that I have never felt until now.  Those walls around my heart are down and now my heart is surrounded by the pure love that he gives me everyday.  I believe above all that no matter what challenge I will have to face that I will not face it alone and that WE will be that forever that I have always dreamed about.  To know that I am loved for being me, as I am, flaws and all........is the most peaceful and glorious feeling I have ever felt and that I have ever truly believed in.........and for that Rick Muston I thank you!!!