Just living....

So it's been a while since I have written.  I have experienced so many things over the past couple of weeks. 

When someone finds out that they may have a serious illness, it tends to put things into a new light.  The recent scare of having cervical or ovarian cancer has changed me in so many ways including breaking down walls I have accomplished to surround myself with to ensure that others do not get to close and dealing with the world of "what if".  What if I die? What if I'm sick?  Where will my kids go, who will take care of my animals, who will take care of everything Zach needs,  what will happen to Rick, what what what.....and some why questions in there as well.  Why is this happening, why do bad things keep happening to us, why now, why am I so closed off about this to those that love me, why won't I give myself fully to Rick and others that love me, why don't I stand up more to my children and why do I fear that they will stop loving me if I do stand up to them? 

I have had to tell the people closest to me in my life hard things like I'm getting a divorce, I'm moving out of town, I thought I was going to kill myself, but never I may have cancer.  It also opened my eyes to those that have to say "I KNOW I have cancer" and "I am going to die".....and now I have asked myself what the hell am I whining about???? I am lucky....I am lucky that it in fact does not look to be cancer, even if they don't know exactly what is going on at least it doesn't appear to be cancerous.
Even though cancer has for the most part been ruled out, I am still dealing with these health challenges that are effecting my life, my ability to do certain things, and my overall activity level.  However I quickly found it was also beginning to being a crutch for me.  I hit the STOP button and have began refocusing on the fact that I am likely going to be fine, and even if I'm not, I will not let any of this control me or let me loose control of how I live my life. 

I have also made the decision to stop being the most walled up person that I personally know.  I am breaking walls down and letting others in and standing up for myself and what is right, whether others don't agree with it or not.  I will not be anyone's, including my children's doormat any longer.  I will work to earn others respect yet at the same time demand it and show others the equal respect that they show me.  I will take getting my Masters Degree by the horns and get it done instead of living in the "can I do it" world that I've been in.  I will live my life to the fullest, loving those I love, smiling even when others aren't, hugging those that need hugged, and saying thank you. 

This new sort of second chance has also helped me re-focus my idea of God, his existance, and his role in my life.  Do I find myself still feeling ambivalent about him, absolutely!!  However, I also find myself opening back up to the idea of him, his power, and my own beliefs of him and his back seat driving of my life.  Blaming him for the negatives in my life and closing the door on his existence hasn't seem to be working for me thus far so maybe I should try to find another route?  I am working on that and want to encourage my family to work on it with me.  Baby steps I say, baby steps!

So "living", what does it mean to me?  Now it means something very different.  I am well aware that life is going to continue to throw me some significant curve balls.  The difference is, now I just have a bigger and stronger bat to take care of them with.