After my last blog I believe that I learned allot about myself through my own words. It's amazing how much you can realize about how you treat yourself and others after verbalizing it aloud or writing about yourself. I have spent more time keeping these walls around myself to try and block others from getting in that I wasn't able to make that connection about myself until now. Talk about a wow moment.
I have believed before that I was in love. I believed that if someone loved me that he would change to be with me. Yet I would somehow find it so unbelievably surprising when they let me down in some way. I always seem so surprised when someone doesn't live up to the standards that I in fact have place on them, not those that they have placed on themselves. I believe it is human nature to place goals for ourselves, so in turn we will work to achieve those goals. However, when I place a expectation or goal for someone else and assume that they will honor it if they want to be with me I must have been delirious to believe that I'd get the same result. What, you mean throwing ultimatums out at someone is not the way to true love and happiness in any relationship???? And there you have my ahhh-ha moment!!! I realize that I have been so busy working on everyone else to mold them I wish that they would be that I wasn't working on myself. I was more neglecting myself and in fact altering myself to mold the other people as best as I could. I wouldn't "allow" drug use, I wouldn't "allow" illegal behavior, yet I'd "allow" myself to be mistreated and compromise my own well being because in my skewed view he had "changed" so much already for me.
I have a man that loves me and tries to show me everyday his devotion and love for me. I close emotional doors in his face whenever he tries to love me more. He accepts me as I am and my children as they are. He has chosen to change certain aspects in his life because he knows how I feel about them. I played the "if you want to be with me" card initially. Yet he's the only man that challenged me with expressing his desire to be with me but challenging me to be accepting of some things about him as he is accepting of some things about me. WOW!! I showed minimal flexibility, minimal willingness to listen and accept, yet he showed stubbornness and no desire to give up. Looking deep into myself and my own flaws and voids within me and my own life, allowed me to see that I was pushing away, walling up, and risking loosing someone that has chosen to love me in a way that I have never experienced. Maybe this is also why it is so scary for me. This unknown, unconditional acceptance, genuine calmness and gratitude for me as I am, flaws and all. I realized I must stop working so hard to replace what is missing, but instead fill it with new memories, new kinds of experiences, and new loves.
Today is the day that I say to him, welcome. Welcome in to my heart, mind, and soul. Buckle up and hold on my love!!!
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